To Be Or Not to Be...Smitten...or Jelly?

Someone once said that one of the secrets of life is happiness. I once knew what that was. I really did. Or maybe I was just delusional and pretended I did. Regardless, these days it seems as though my so-called happiness is somewhat cyclical; it ebbs and flows like the tide and the cycles of the moon, and, due to it's whimsical nature, I'm tired of feeling this way. If there is one thing I am sure of, I know that I'm tired of this. Can I just go through the drive-thru and order 1 steady stream of happiness, and a Diet Coke to wash it down with, please? And a Whoppa wit chee?

I met a guy. E. He's great. He has his life together, has job security and has a rewarding job. This kid is going (and has gone) places. Since meeting him for the first time last Friday, I've been told (even though I have no idea what others say) that I'm smitten over E, which, okay, fine, I kinda am. Aside from the above-mentioned qualities, he has a heart of gold, is sweeter than apple pie, is easy to talk to, and, to date, has been the only person who I've somewhat emotionally opened up to on the 2nd date (I usually stay inside my shell till waaaay later). That's how comfortable I am around him. I enjoy his company, I like talking to him, and I really like the way how he gets into his pjs and curls up next to me and places his head on my lap as he tells me about his day. I miss having that...and I didnt realize that I missed it until it actually happened.

Similarly, I didn't realize how much I would miss working until the day that I wasnt working any longer. Here's where it gets a bit convoluted, or, I'm simply "totalizing." Although I like E and everything I know about him so far, I'm really, really, really envious of his career and his life. As he described the many places he's lived, the places he's visited, the things he's done, it left me speechless as these things, these goals, are identical to the things I've wanted to do. And more. Which he's done already! As my sister L would say, "I'm so jelly (aka jealous)!!" Quite frankly, all of this makes me depressed at the fact that a) I've gotten laid off, b) ever since I left NNA, my career has been shit, c) I can't get a decent score on the GMAT, d) don't really feel as though I'm contributing to society...the list goes on. Walking with him to the station this morning really hit me hard. Him, with his suit on and me, with my jeans and mis tenis, walking through downtown feeling as though I should really be heading toward downtown, not away from it. Seeing others in their khakis, suits, left me feeling like I should be like them, ultimately leaving me feeling like a complete loser during the Muni ride home.

So I'm at this intersection and I don't know what to do. Or feel. I'm trying to remind myself that I DO have a full-time job which is to study and write essays. I remind myself that I AM doing something with my life which is investing in my future. And, I remind myself that I AM a brave and fortunate individual to have the sense of adventure and the financial means to pick up and move to a different city. And generally I do feel a little bit better after picking myself up from the ground. But the fact of the matter is still there - simply put, I feel as though I should have done or at least be in another place at this point in my life. I really do. And until I actually follow-through with my b-school applications and the GMAT and ultimately be admitted in b-school, then I'll feel somewhat better about it. But until then, this roller coaster of emotions, this waxing and waning, is going to get the best of me, which I cannot let it happen.

Looking back at the series of blogs I've posted, most seem to be involving pretty dismal not-so-pleasant occurrences in my life (man, do I sound depressing or what?!). Granted that writing about such events provides an opportunity to sound out, or rather vent, my emotions during these tough times. But now, I actually have something to look forward to and be happy about. E. Last night I told him, as we were falling asleep, that although I've been through some rough times lately, I'm happy at the decision I took to move here and put myself out there (dating wise), which ultimately lead to meeting him. Which I really am.

I know I should really focus on being happy for him (which I truly genuine am) and to let things be. But it's bittersweet. I guess everyone has their time and I guess my time has yet arrived. But when will it? And when it does, can I have it Supersized, please?